Feeling Something New

I don't know about you, but I have a very weird thing that happens when I start to become happy. I get anxiety attacks, and start to believe that something catastrophic is about to happen to me. I had this happen today, it was a mixture of awareness, humor and insight.

Yesterday was wonderful, I was excited about my hour cleaning, I spoke with a manatee( 30 Rock reference) that I have for my coven, and I had a great day with my boys. My ex husband gave me flowers and I applied for three jobs online, my best friend stopped by. It felt, (this is important) it felt great!

Then as I went to bed, I began to itch all over and I did not fall to sleep until 3 or 4 this morning. I woke up feeling guilt and like something bad was going to happen. I went to a negative space and was in a lot of fear. I did do my one hour cleaning and fed myself. This helped.

I kept with the ritual part of it; lighting candles, burning incense and playing music. Usually when I am done I feel much better but not today,so I went to divination. I pulled out my Destiny's Portal deck the reading at first odd, something about letting go and spinning a new web, Whatever!!

But as I sat in front of my altar- like a hush, it hit me. I was experiencing happiness that was authentic and real. It scared me. For many reasons, some truly valid, some- not so much! I am guarded with my spirit. But as I reach for this goal for Imbolic, I see myself changing it is hard for me to identify emotions and give them their proper credit in my life.

Happiness that is not based on anything external, that comes from just being, is difficult for me, in the past, I would have done something to fix it or change the feeling, but not today. I sat with it, explored all my options of possibilities, of outcomes and used the tools at my disposal to uncover the issue.

I am changing, my life is changing. As I close doors I need to be mindful and open to new doors that are in front of me and if I feel the fear to stop and breathe and just know it is my right to be happy!! Now that I know what this feeling is, as it comes about in my healing I will not feel the need to squash or sabotage it. Which is something, something big.

Any of you have any new awareness's lately? I would love to hear them.

blessed be,
HWD