If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

This is just something I need to remind myself everyday!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Things getting better

So I have a job. I forgot, really forgot how important working with children can be. I started today. I only had four hours of sleep and I am hungry and tired but I just want to say thank you all for your support during this time. I have only a few days to keep working on my goal for my house and I am determined to get my goal met. I will be listening to music and burning my incense until Imbolc. I hope all is well.

Take Care,

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Out of Touch/ Finding Faith

I was sick for three days, better now. I hope all of you are well, no worries it was not the flu, only a self inflicted manifestation of stress. As you all know, I have been looking for a job for a long time now. I found one, I will be working at a for- profit child care center, it will be different from non- profit but at least I am working. I start on Monday which will new as well, because I will be taking the bus.

I decided to take the bus- one because I have to, my tags are expired and I need to repair my car, secondly I have a lot of homework to do and I will be able to get my homework done on the way into work everyday. Also I just need time to think and not worry about traffic. So for the first two months I will be busing it until I get my car fixed, then I will see, if it works out, how I want to handle taking the bus once it is not a necessity but a choice. That is the one thing I have learned for all of this, I need choices.

When I left my teaching job I did so when the economy was failing and it took two weeks to find a job. I really wanted to try something different. Teaching was never my goal in life but I am good at it and I love watching children learn. So for almost twenty years I have worked primarily in Early Childhood Education. I have been an advocate for teachers most of that time. But after working as a 1-3 grade teacher and not being qualified,(I have a BA but not a teaching certification). I needed a break and wanted to work on pursuing my art. In comes the record store.

The record store that I worked at is rare and I loved it, but I was at a different phase in my life, just did not see yet. The God and Goddess tend to give me any opportunity I want and it is me who walks away or walks forward with it. After six months and twenty pounds of weight loss I could not survive on minimum wage. Also there was a huge integrity issue happening at the store, which I could not stomach, so I gave my notice.

It was a huge leap of faith, or just stupid but I quit not having another job. I had to put my health first. It has taken thirty days to find a new job. I have learned in the process that... ( list time)

1. I want to work on my faith, it is not as strong as I thought.
2. I have to work at a job, but find my passion through my art.
3. I am definitely going through a midlife crisis, and it is called that for a reason
4. Four years without a relationship is too long, it is making me strange:)
5. Integrity means nothing if you are homeless. ( i am not homeless, just close to it)

So I am back and will be beginning this next phase. It's funny to wake up one day and know that your life, (my life) has been my own creation and I have chosen really odd colors to paint it with. Where the hell is purple when you need it!

Blessed Be,

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

New Movies/ Finding my space

So sorry i have not been online I have had sever issues lately. Anyway, I have had many things happening in my life. The life coach program is very interesting and I am gaining a lot of insight about myself. The house cleaning before Imbolic is going well, a few days behind but I am forgiving myself because finding a job has become a strong priority right now.

I watched a old new movie last night and really liked it. Before I say the movie I just want to say that I am learning so much about how closed and judgemental I am with regards to how I have been closed to new things. Movies may seem like a strange way to shift my lack of openness to new experiences but it works. I am learning that there is a lot of enjoyment out there! Nice! So on with the movie!

Be Kind Rewind! Loved it. I cried at the end. So much for thinking I know everything.

I want to say thanks to all of you who continue to check me out and for new folks signing on.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Something New

I have decided to let a friend who is a life coach, coach me! I have no idea what a life coach does:) but I know right now it is what is suppose to happen. I had a reading done for the new year and three areas where addressed

Spiritual Life: Becoming a warrior

Career: working with children/ giving birth to something new

Relationships: working with a woman as a mentor

All of these issues are happening right now. I am learnig to say yes and trust that being a grownup is the only option right now I can become fairly closed off when someone tries to tell me what to do. I will keep you posted on what I will be doing.


Saturday, January 9, 2010

Keeping up

Tonight I will be working on the downstairs area. I am starting in my book room/ creative space. The last two days have been hard. Just staying motivated, is hard. I think the issue is, not having a job right now, and holding the space that one is coming. I am shifting my life, and I feel obstacles in my way. The main one- being myself. I have been doing the work and feeling better each time I do it. So the only thing blocking me emotionally, is me. This is why I am not finishing my room tonight but moving on to my bookshelves, otherwise I don't think I will meet my goal tonight.

The cool thing that happened today is that a letter I wrote myself came today. It has helped me see that I cannot ask anyone to do for me what I am unwilling to do for myself. Change is that and I am changing, so on with it! I hope you all are having a good weekend.

Blessed Be,

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Henna Hair

I finally did it. I was able to put Henna in my hair yesterday. This is not the first time that I put Henna in but it has been over six months since I have done it. Which had me thinking, why is it so hard for me to manage self care? Over the years I have had burst of girly, girl behavior and loved it. But for some reason it never sticks. I don't know if it is self-esteem issues or what, but I fall back on sweats and t-shirts. Not having a job just adds to it. So yesterday, before I started my hour cleaning I put Henna in and left it in over night. The results are great. I love my hair!

I did all this... because I have an interview tomorrow, and I want to put my best forward. One of my awesome girlfriends/ nail tech extraordinaire will do my nails for me before the interview so I will feel in my power.

This process of change is effecting every area of my life and although it feels strange at times, I keep with it. I want this more than anything!

Blog back and let me know how you take care of yourself!

Have a blessed day,

Monday, January 4, 2010

Feeling Something New

I don't know about you, but I have a very weird thing that happens when I start to become happy. I get anxiety attacks, and start to believe that something catastrophic is about to happen to me. I had this happen today, it was a mixture of awareness, humor and insight.

Yesterday was wonderful, I was excited about my hour cleaning, I spoke with a manatee( 30 Rock reference) that I have for my coven, and I had a great day with my boys. My ex husband gave me flowers and I applied for three jobs online, my best friend stopped by. It felt, (this is important) it felt great!

Then as I went to bed, I began to itch all over and I did not fall to sleep until 3 or 4 this morning. I woke up feeling guilt and like something bad was going to happen. I went to a negative space and was in a lot of fear. I did do my one hour cleaning and fed myself. This helped.

I kept with the ritual part of it; lighting candles, burning incense and playing music. Usually when I am done I feel much better but not today,so I went to divination. I pulled out my Destiny's Portal deck the reading at first odd, something about letting go and spinning a new web, Whatever!!

But as I sat in front of my altar- like a hush, it hit me. I was experiencing happiness that was authentic and real. It scared me. For many reasons, some truly valid, some- not so much! I am guarded with my spirit. But as I reach for this goal for Imbolic, I see myself changing it is hard for me to identify emotions and give them their proper credit in my life.

Happiness that is not based on anything external, that comes from just being, is difficult for me, in the past, I would have done something to fix it or change the feeling, but not today. I sat with it, explored all my options of possibilities, of outcomes and used the tools at my disposal to uncover the issue.

I am changing, my life is changing. As I close doors I need to be mindful and open to new doors that are in front of me and if I feel the fear to stop and breathe and just know it is my right to be happy!! Now that I know what this feeling is, as it comes about in my healing I will not feel the need to squash or sabotage it. Which is something, something big.

Any of you have any new awareness's lately? I would love to hear them.

blessed be,

New Movies

So last night I watched Juno and really enjoyed it.

But today after a really, weird day, I watched Lars and the Real Girl. I must say it has earned a spot in my top 5 movies. The way that grief is approached by the writers is ingenious and it is a high recommend.

So ratings as follows:

1. Juno :) liked it a lot

2. Lars and The Real Girl :) :) A must see!!

Blessed Day,

Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Movies

So confession time. I watch the same movies over and over again, seriously! I have seen Pride and Prejudice over 400 times! I don't know what it is but I find comfort in the familiar and am scared of the unknown. This year is different I will watch a new movie every week. One that I have never seen and that I can deal with. Genres off my list would be: Horror- hate being scared on purpose. Any movie with gratuitous violence against women or children, learned that with the movie 'Taken', could not sleep for two days. So far I have watched three new movies and loved them, I don't feel qualified to give reviews but will make some type of code to show how I felt about them. I have watched:
1. Be Cool- :) Comedy
2. Idiocracy- :) Comedy
3. You Kill Me- :) Comedy

The next movie I want to watch is, 'This is England' That will be my next Saturday movie.
It is a drama about skin heads in the 1980's. It looks amazing!

I hope by the end of the year to have broadened my horizons by 52 movies that is one a week. I don't watch T.V. so I think two hours a week is cool. Some times it may be more. If you have any suggestions please post a comment I would love to see what is out there.

Have a blessed Day,

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Working on the Process

So Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a safe and peaceful ushering in of the year. For me this not only feels like I am bring in a new year but also some new changes as well, and it seems that the universe is supporting these changes. This last year has brought many challenges I have to the best of my ability, met each challenge as it occurred in my life. And now it is the time for working out the fine details. I have a Spell project I will be doing all year. I have come up with two ideas so far to help me keep my goals on track.

Keeping Silent: This is part of the Four Pillars of spell work and for me, pagan life. i have learned that one needs to learn to keep quiet about whatever workings they may be doing. There are several reasons I have found for this. One, your spell working loses power as you share what it is that you are doing. It is like the energy raised and contained begins to slip out like a balloon that is leaking. The second reason, there may be some even other pagan friends or others, that may not support the change you want to make and will say something to you about it and you may individually begin to doubt yourself. That is the fastest way to lose the power and intent of spell work.

Since I am working on silence, I have decided to share some of the things I can, which leads to my second item:

Sabbat Tree
: For each Sabbat I will be decorating a makeshift tree, one of my coven sister's gave me. It is awesome, it is in a wine carafe with long twigs. So I thought for Imbolc I would tie personal accomplishment to it... how it works.

1. Each day I spend one hour working on whatever goal I have ( housecleaning, job hunting, bills, taxes).

2. After I am done I write what I did and how I felt on red ribbon and tie it to the tree.

I am excited to see the results, hopefully by then I will know how to upload pictures to my computer:)

Have a Blessed Day,